DeDanaan

Filed by Aine MacDermot

Universe, The : Space (or to give it a more technical name, ‘The Universe’) is big. Really Big. It’s also full of really surprising things like Babel fish and tea. The history of the universe is terribly long and awfully difficult to understand, even in it’s simpler moments which are, roughly speaking, the beginning and the end. Some believe the universe was sneezed out of the nose of the Great Green Arkleseizure. Others that it was created by some God. A race of supreme beings (known on Earth as The Mice) eventually decided to find out the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything. The results of their research were far from conclusive.

Some information to help you live in it.
1. Area: infinite. Early speculations theorized an infinite number of Universes, and we now know that this is true, regardless of the apparent contradiction in terms.

2. Population: none. - It is well known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of every planet in the Universe (and by extension, in the MultiVerse) can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole MultiVerse is zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

3. Monetary Units: none. - In fact there are three freely convertible currencies in the MultiVerse, but none of them count. The Altairian Dollar has recently collapsed, the Flainian Pobble Bead is only exchangeable for other Flainian Pobble Beads, and the Triganic Pu doesn’t really count as money. Its exchange rate of eight Ningis to one Pu is simple enough, but since a Ningi is a triangular rubber coin six thousand eight hundred miles along each side, no one has ever collected enough to own one Pu. Ningis are not negotiable currency, because the Galactibanks refuse to deal in fiddling small change. From this basic premise it is very simple to prove that the Galactibanks are also the product of a deranged imagination.

4. Sex: none. - Well, in fact there is an awful lot of this, largely because of the total lack of money, trade, banks, or anything else that might keep all the non-existent people of the Universe occupied. However, the apparent non-existence of sex is not actually worth arguing about since most sentient beings would prefer to just get to it rather than stand around arguing about it.

5. Imports: none. - It is impossible to import things into an infinite area, there being no outside to import things from.

6. Exports: none. - See Imports.

7. Art: none. - The function of art is to hold the mirror up to nature, and there simply isn’t a mirror big enough. See point #1 above.