DeDanaan

Filed by Aine MacDermot

Vogons : Though not actually evil, the Vogons are thoroughly vile. Officious, bad-tempered, callous, rude, unpleasant. Vogons are extremely ugly, extremely officious, and generally not much fun to be around. They wouldn’t even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as fire lighters. It is hard to hitch lifts on Vogon ships - it is only made possible by the Dentrassi cooks employed by Vogon fleets. Vogons emerged from the seas of the planet Vogsphere, and gave up on evolving there and then. Only their stubbornness allowed them to survive.

They generally become bureaucrats in the galactic government. Their unpleasant demeanour makes them ideally suited to such employment. Vogons have dark green rubbery skin, waterproof enough to survive indefinitely at sea depths of down to a thousand feet with no ill effects. They have highly domed noses above small piggy foreheads. One such Vogon is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, of the Vogon Constructor fleet. Having destroyed the Earth in order to make way for a hyperspace bypass, he then proceded to read some of his poetry to two helpless victims. They write some of the worst poetry in the known universe.

An example:

O freddled gruntbuggly…
…thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee,
my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwards with my blurglecruncheon,
see if I don’t!